Bad Mental Health Days & Update

August 19, 2016
I've been wanting to do a 'Life Update' post for a while but I always find them hard to do because 1. I don't know if anyone actually cares what I'm getting up to or how I'm feeling, and 2. I feel silly talking about these minuscule things. However, today I woke up and knew immediately I was going to have a bad day. Usually I wake up, boil the kettle and start into my to-do list. I get tonnes of blogging done, catch up on my emails and plan posts for the next few days. As I said, that's what usually happens. Bad mental health days usually start off the same but they feel different somehow , almost heavy, dark, like I'm being held back by a strong force. My heart feels heavy and to be completely honest, I just can't be bothered with anything. Today was one of those days. I woke up with this heaviness, boiled the kettle and looked about the kitchen for something to eat. I had a banana. To be honest, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I tried to sit down and blog today but the words didn't seem to flow. It feels stupid talking about a lipstick or what I'm wearing when I feel so awful. I have a list of blog posts to write and not one of them seems to work. I have so many emails to reply to but what's the point? I was going to bake but that seems like it would take too much effort. That's why I thought I would write this, it's not exactly an update but I guess it's an update on where my mental health is at. 

I know my blog is usually a happy place with beauty bits and what not, and usually when I feel like this I won't blog but why shouldn't I? I talk a lot about mental health on this blog but most of it is to do with recovery and today I realised I'm not recovered. Yes, I am dealing with my anxiety. I can go to the shop with little worry now. I can go a few hours without pulling out my hair. i'm coming off my medication. Despite all this however, I'm not recovered and why should I act like everything is perfect? Recovery isn't about being instantly 'normal'. It's a journey, and a tough one at that. I have good days but I also have bad days where all I want to do is stay in bed watching Netflix and cuddling up with Chester, and that's okay. I would rather do that than risk my mental health, pushing myself to do things I don't feel well enough for and possibly have a breakdown. 

Maybe it's because I've been home alone a lot recently. Maybe it's because I feel like my father wants nothing to do with me and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I miss my friends from college. Maybe it's because I feel like my blog will never be good enough. Maybe it's none of these things or maybe it's all of these things. Maybe I need to stop trying to understand my bad mental health days and instead just let myself have one. I am entitled to be sad for a day, just like everyone else. 

I know this post is rather pointless and uninteresting and probably pretty depressing but I felt like I wanted to share a bad day on my blog. Usually I'm the happiest gal going. I'm annoying and chatty and motivated and friendly, but on a bad mental health day I'm none of these things and that's okay. It's okay to be sad as long as you're ready and willing to pick yourself up again and fight to overcome your illness because you deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy.