Reviewing Autumn Goals & NEW WINTER GOALS

November 11, 2016

The past few months have been quite tough for me. I'm not in a good place with my mental health and despite trying to hide my struggles, it's becoming increasingly difficult to be the upbeat and positive person I strive to be. I've made it into very few lectures due to my anxiety, I've found it hard to keep up with assignments, I've had no motivation to blog or write or do anything I usually love. However since it's now winter, my favourite season, I thought I would sit down and try to write out my new goals which I always like to do at the start of a new season (read my previous seasonal goals here and here). I really like writing these posts as it helps me see where I'm at with my mental health and general mental health.

Looking back at my autumn goals I am slightly disappointed as I failed to do some of the things I had set out for myself. So, as usual I'm going to discuss what I hoped to do and what I actually did manage to do, despite being in a very bad place, mental health-wise. 

Goal #1: Attend lectures:
I had such good intentions this year to go to college and keep on top of college work. I really wanted to do well this year and I really believed I would but sometimes when I set goals for myself I forget that I do have a mental illness and it is a lot harder for me to do things than your average person. I have tried on a few occasions to get into college but it has been overwhelming and more often than not it ended in vigorous shaking, crying and general panic. Lovely.

Goal #2: Get a job:
I ACTUALLY MANAGED TO DO THIS. I applied for two jobs, both part-time Christmas positions, in The Body Shop and in Boots, in Galway and I heard last Friday that I got the job in Boots. I started on Sunday and worked on Monday. This is so so daunting for me because I've had bad experiences with previous employment and I'm really nervous that it will be the same but in all honesty it seems like a lovely place to work and I'm so excited because it's Boots and I love Boots. I'm so happy to have got the job.

Goal #3: See more of my Nana: 
I actually completely forgot this was one of my goals but seeing her did cross my mind on numerous occasions during the autumn period. Honestly, if I was home more I probably would have visited her more frequently but since college has started I've been home a grand total of two times. I will be home for Christmas (work depending) so I will definitely see her then.

Goal #4: Blog at least once or twice a week:
So, this didn't happen either. Like I already said, due to my mental health struggle over the past few months I've found it hard to sit down and write. However I did finally address my OCD on my blog for pretty much the first time ever and it was so so so nice to get so many kind messages from people who related to it or who found it interesting/informative. This really is the first time that I've thought about my OCD diagnosis for longer than a few minutes so it really helped me come to terms with it, which I guess is an achievement in itself. 

Goal #5: Stop being so hard on myself:
In my last goals post I talked about how I was feeling better within myself and how I was going to continue working towards self love. I can't really report on how I got on with this. I think I'm getting better. Since I started counseling again I've had to talk about a lot of painful memories and because of this it's bringing up a lot of bad feelings within myself and how I feel/felt about myself in the past. However, by talking about them out loud I'm beginning to realise that I'm not so bad. In saying that, however, I've been quite hard on myself when it comes to missing lectures and I've had some really horrible intrusive thoughts about myself and what others think of me over the past few days, but I'm working on it. 

So after all that I actually realise I've achieved a lot less than what I initially thought, which is sad but it feels good to be able to have a fresh start. My mental health generally improves in the winter months because I get excessively happy at Christmas so I'll be able to achieve all my new goals I've set. 

1. Take part in Blogmas: For the past to years I've taken part in Blogmas which is where bloggers post every day during the Christmas period. For me, this is all of December. I really enjoy taking part in Blogmas as it gives me a goal for the day, keeps me busy and allows me to stay motivated to look for inspiration for blog posts at all times. Of course, it also gets me so excited for Christmas and helps me stay in touch with my blog. I've already started thinking and planning posts for this years' Blogmas and I am determined to do it. 

2. Talk more openly about my problems: I am the worst at talking. I am so open about my life and everything that comes with it on my blog but when it comes to real life I am a closed book which makes things difficult when people talk about their problems with me. I feel as though I'm taking on their problems as well as having to deal with my own. I genuinely love helping people with their problems so I, in no way, want that to stop but hopefully I can start seeking help from the people around me too. 

3. PASS my Christmas exams: Realistically it is far too late for me to hope for good grades in my Christmas exams as I'll be very lucky to pass but that's all I need so that's all I'm going to aim for. The New Year can be a fresh start and I can try to go to more lectures then so for now I just need to get through these exams with a passing grade. 

4. Focus on myself: My new counselor has told me that an issue that I have is that I've been concentrating too much on what my father has done (read here) and I haven't been able to properly look after myself as a result. Previously one of my goals was to forgive my father, but that didn't work so now I'm going to try what my counselor has suggested and just focus on me and stop worrying about him or anything that he is doing until I'm ready.

5. Work towards a mentally healthier me: My new counselor is the best counselor I've been to ever, and I've been to A LOT which is sad when I think that I'm in my final three weeks with her. For the first time ever I've actually gone to counselling and not pretended to be getting better, I haven't lied about my progress and I haven't played down my illness. I've told her things I've never told anybody. It's hard, intense and I often drink afterwards but she is helping me a lot and I'm hoping to ask to go privately with her, if possible. We are working together to find the root of my problems which is difficult as I have to talk about a lot of things that I find painful to talk about but it's working and unlike other counselors I've had before, I usually leave her office feeling lighter, happier and more hopeful.

Here's to another three months. I hope you enjoyed!