Life is not a race.

July 19, 2018
Does anyone else ever feel like you're running of time to sort out your life? It feels like we are all in a rush to complete some end goal. It feels like everyone knows what they want to do and where they want to go in their life. Honestly fair play if you do know, but can any of us really know what we want to be doing in thirty years time at the age of twenty? I'm 21 and I feel like I've made so many decisions just because everyone else has been progressing at the 'socially accepted' rate.

I rushed into college even though I hadn't a notion what I really wanted to do. Like, at the age of 18, did I honestly think I wanted to study FRENCH, Geography and Children's Studies? Do I even like children? How would I even know that, I was literally a child then. Not only that, but I really wasn't mentally ready to leave the care of my Mammy then. I was on antidepressants and I was having panic attacks right, left and centre. I could barely make it through a day of school why the hell did I think I could go off to college? Still, I felt like I had to progress at the same rate as everyone else my age.

And the result of that? I was miserable in college. Yes, I absolutely loved the social aspect, and it probably helped me out a lot with my anxiety, but the academic part was not the one. I hated it and it left me feeling so stupid because I wasn't putting in any effort to my course, so naturally I fell behind in classes. I probably knew in first year that it wasn't for me but I stuck it out because I felt trapped. If I left college what would I do? What would people say? It honestly felt like my life would be over and I remember saying that I'd be stuck in Donegal for the rest of my life. Honestly, why the hell did I feel like that?

I'm about to tell you. It's because if you don't follow the same path as everyone else it feels like you're failing and you're not going to get anywhere. Take my sister for example. She is so good at Art and wants to do Design in college but when she first said she wanted to do it, everyone tried to convince her against it because who gets a job from doing Art??? But someone has to do it, and if that's what she wants to do, then she will make it work.

Anyway, after two years I left college and it was the scariest thing ever because I had no plan and at this stage, it feels, not only like you should have a plan, but it should already be in action. You should be on your way to the End Goal, even if you don't know what that end goal is.

I feel like there is so much pressure to always know what you're doing and always be working towards something and that, for me, feels like such a drag. People are constantly asking 'what are you doing now?' and you're nearly shamed if you're not doing anything, or if you don't know what you're doing.

I'm all for working towards a goal, if the end result is what you really want to do, but why work towards something that's just kindofwhatyouthinkyoumightwantbutyou'renotreallysure? Why commit to something you're not going to get anything from?

At the moment I'm living at home and I've just finished a nail tech course, and at the moment I absolutely love it. Just like for the past nine months I absolutely loved working in Penneys, but I'm thinking about leaving Donegal again and who's to say I'll still love doing nails in three months? Maybe I'll be doing something else, maybe I'll be doing nothing but I'm not worrying about it. I'm 21 and making commitments like that is boring.